Here Lies Me: The One Who Tried To Live a Good Life

The most important thing is to enjoy your life –to be happy –it’s all that matters.

Audrey Hepburn

It has been more than over a year since my last post on this blog. I always tell myself that I should write more often, to let out steam regularly. I failed to do so, but it isn’t something I regret, after all, this is just a blog that a few people read.

Over the past year I have managed to turn my life in the direction that is, I can say, good for me. I had made choices that led me to meet new people and evolve as a person, which is really good. I am happier and less depressed than the year I last posted an entry.  I should think I believe in myself more and know better of what I want in my life, no matter how much my choices seem impractical. There are certain aspects in my life which I am still uncertain, but I’ll know what to do when the time comes. I am after all unlike others, am used to taking things slow and careless. I am not proud of it but I will not say I am putting my head down in shame. I haven’t done any crime to feel that way.

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Sometimes I do think about why the people around me, don’t seem to realize that some are just not made to become what they think the person ought to be.  If somewhere in their mind they have envisioned me as someone else, well they are in for a treat, for I am not that kind of person. I may be in some way, but not entirely. I may have given them hope or a sight of what they want to see because I may have tried to please them and maybe that is why I ended up as lost as I did. They are not to blame, don’t get me wrong, that was my own doing. To live the life envisioned for me, not the one I have dreamt solely.

 The difficult part of dreaming for me is that, I wanted to achieve so many things in my life and I didn’t know where to start and I had no great motivation to do so. My life wasn’t bad or so difficult that I needed to dream big because I had a family tend to. My mother has given her all and asked for nothing in return. I lived a good sheltered life, I didn’t have to try hard, what I can offer was clearly enough. Again, no one’s to blame, I am grateful to her but because of it my priorities are different. My one true dream was to be happy, a genuine happiness that no money or achievement can give. I just want to be able to smile every day, talk to people, have a food and drinks, and see the sunset. To have friends to be with, have good laughs, and sometimes cry and fight. The desire to be rich is just minor priority for me. To be successful is at the same category.

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People say, I am not trying hard enough because everyone needs to go the extra mile and not just settle for what you can offer, but I see it as this: If I was in the position I ought to be, shouldn’t giving my 110% or more not be so difficult? That I wouldn’t feel unhappy or stressed whenever I get to work hard or strive.  Should reaching the goal come naturally and not feel like a maze without an exit? I think it should feel like a battle, although unevenly matched, still the eagerness to win shall suffice. I need to find the place that will let me be that person. I have many good qualities and skills but I need to be in a place where I am wanted and needed and will grow and not be imprisoned and constantly be shoved
traditions and bull shit crap down my throat.

I am this person, I wasn’t trained to be best. I wasn’t taught to push myself to be somebody I am not. I did what I want to do, I was good at those things because I think I was at the right place at the right time. Now all is different, my place in this world had changed. I should have said or done something before letting myself fall down the rabbit hole, but I was young, making decisions wasn’t my strong suit.  I get that there people who’ll strongly disagree, there are some who strive hard and had gotten where they wanted to. There are some, who had learned to love what they do, I don’t know why I wasn’t gifted with t
hat ability.

Now it is time to change the course of my own destiny, to not regret and try to be happy most of the days of my life. Try to find my place in the world, where I can make even a slight difference. To try to learn till I can’t anymore, to see the world while I can and to feel and interact.  To try and reach for the dreams I have and will have, to love and to live in a way that I think I ought to and to become somebody that the people I love will be grateful to have known. I may not become rich or famous, but my life will still be well lived. That is my dream and that is my goal. A new chapter has begun and I am happy that I took this different turn. I am unsure, but I know I am not lost. Uncertainty make this life a tad more exciting but I am ready and daring enough to give this new endeavor a go.

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I Made Love To The Darkness

I made love to the darkness

My words are strong but my heart is weak
My bones are brittle and my smiles bleak.
My voice had changed and the screams are loud.
My cries are subtle and with the bruises I am numb.
Each step I take I’m moved to yesterday,
the past succumbs, it eats me away.
With every stroke of luck, a karmic pain,
where is the hope, the love I’m longing to gain.
I am walking through pins and needles,
I’m rolling on broken glass and coals.
I’m crying, I’m calling, I am no more.
Where are the rays of pure light, my trust and my guide?
Has it left me? Abandoned me to rott with my dreams?
Dust clouds hover me, and up ahead it’s darkness to see.
The chills in my spine embraced me, it held my hand and it kissed me.
I made love to the darkness, and it drained me,
now I’m imprisoned and a slave that once shimmered in glory.
My blood rushed to my head and I feel a tingle.
My existence is fleeting, and my shimmer fading.
Alas, I feel, the pain is escaping.
From my guts it crawls out, slowly I feel it.
It spins me around, taking my breath away,
I gasp and recalled, memories that withered,
I closed my eyes just to make it linger.
I hear the sound of my heart, it seemed so far away,
and when I opened my eyes I saw nothing.

Tootai Buzeta

12 times of heartbreak

12 times of heartbreak

broken glasses, nightmares and whores
never ending sexless nights,
a headless eros on the floor.
dummies with false socialites
drinking beer bong with holes.
going through bad hair days and 10 broken nails
just before you senior promenade.
Feeling constipated as if you want to just die after
getting a venomous snake bite on a happy picnic brunch
Chivalry joust, unfortunate to get the lance through your heart
ending not winning the girl and also her heart.
Romeo and Juliet’s untimely death due to a friars stupidity
and having to kill yourself with a knife and feel the pain continuously
I am sorry to say that this is you to me
the sad moments and bad memories
you are my darkest nights and stormy days
you are the accident that let me live 
only to make me live my life paralyzed and worthless
you to me is hell on earth
I am sorry but you are my downfall, my abyss.
but still i can’t help myself for again I’m falling…

 

Tootai Buzeta

Obscure

OBSCURE

she writes on hardwood floors and stone painted walls
thinking someone  would care to see
the anecdotes of her life and the words of a heel
she took pictures of dark alleys and moonlit roads
hoping people would take time look
the way she sees the world, a bottomless pit of gloom
she recited lines from ancient books and soulful poems
making everyone even for second try to listen
telling how she comprehends the works of the unread
she cleared out her throat and sang the blues
startling some to stop and be unmoved
singing out her heart filled with dander and woes
she tapped me on the shoulder and smiled as i look back
giving me the impression she’s not well but indeed not mad
taking my hand to hold and keep, making me realize that’s all she needs
Tootai Buzeta

Silent Honesty

silent honesty

the bitter sweet truth about me and you..
is nothing more than feelings out too soon..
no challenging phase,
no wicked passion,
I didn’t realized til’ now
that what you are is just a figure of my imagination..
I made clashing tunes and silly rhymes
Only to know now that i’m to give up,
i’ll let it subside..
And the memories in time shall drown
but will not end..
It shall not be revived,
but also never to rest..
for the depth can hide the past for sure..
but never the pain..
never the loss the heart shall endure..
Tootai Buzeta

To all the loves that bring us to life…

After the watching the last installment of Harry Potter I went out with a friend and a new acquaintance for coffee and early morning breakfast. Having to meet someone for the first time and just listen to their stories is just one amazing thing. You learn a lot, you see things in a new perspective and somehow fill yourself up with new ideas, having said that, one can guess that it was a night of good talk. Although there were silences still all in all it was a good night or early morning. During our conversation, I told them I was a sucker for drama flicks, I cry over them for a period of time. I end up feeling attached to the characters I watch and empathize with their heartbreaks and pain. They suggested films that I should watch, some with the same theme, some just different. I listed those titles down and as of the moment I am currently making time to watch.

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One of the films suggested by my friend was “The Love of Siam”, in my head I was thinking it was an epic film, having “Anna and the King” movie in mind I thought I’d be seeing topless men wearing bloomer like pants or something of the likes. To my surprise there were no topless men in the film or any cute guys over the age of 25. Although the title really made a hint, it was a love story, a love story like no other. I have seen many and heard so many love stories before, some were great, some not so. This story is one of the greats.

 

 A great love story does not only mean a guy and a girl conquering whatever trials their love goes through and triumphantly overcomes it. All of us know that love is way bigger than that and this movie shows how big love can be. Surprisingly, one has to look and see beyond what the character is showing in order to see the true essence of the film, how they depict love in many ways. From the story of the lead characters to each supporting character’s story, all of it was essential, that is why it was great. Many faces of love was seen, some uplifting, some destructive, some make us happy, and some makes us tear up. In the film one can see the love of  family, the love of friends, the unrequited love, selfish love, unconditional love, loving beyond what our eyes can see and just plain loving because we can and because it is felt.

Just before the credits roll a dedication was on screen, “To all the loves that bring us to life”The words “bring us to life” struck me. It was true. No matter what kind of love we feel, still love can make or break us. Love can bring the worst and the best in us. Love can make us shine or it can darken our souls. It makes us live. It brings us to life. I have always associated life with emotions, the feelings we have in whatever we do. Having a good life for me means having my heart feel all there is to feel. Pain, hurt, happiness, butterflies in my stomach, contentment and whatever else is there.  One must love in order to live, and my heart says it does everyday, knowing this, I know I have lived.

 

So to all the loves of my life, many thanks.