Here Lies Me: The One Who Tried To Live a Good Life

The most important thing is to enjoy your life –to be happy –it’s all that matters.

Audrey Hepburn

It has been more than over a year since my last post on this blog. I always tell myself that I should write more often, to let out steam regularly. I failed to do so, but it isn’t something I regret, after all, this is just a blog that a few people read.

Over the past year I have managed to turn my life in the direction that is, I can say, good for me. I had made choices that led me to meet new people and evolve as a person, which is really good. I am happier and less depressed than the year I last posted an entry.  I should think I believe in myself more and know better of what I want in my life, no matter how much my choices seem impractical. There are certain aspects in my life which I am still uncertain, but I’ll know what to do when the time comes. I am after all unlike others, am used to taking things slow and careless. I am not proud of it but I will not say I am putting my head down in shame. I haven’t done any crime to feel that way.

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Sometimes I do think about why the people around me, don’t seem to realize that some are just not made to become what they think the person ought to be.  If somewhere in their mind they have envisioned me as someone else, well they are in for a treat, for I am not that kind of person. I may be in some way, but not entirely. I may have given them hope or a sight of what they want to see because I may have tried to please them and maybe that is why I ended up as lost as I did. They are not to blame, don’t get me wrong, that was my own doing. To live the life envisioned for me, not the one I have dreamt solely.

 The difficult part of dreaming for me is that, I wanted to achieve so many things in my life and I didn’t know where to start and I had no great motivation to do so. My life wasn’t bad or so difficult that I needed to dream big because I had a family tend to. My mother has given her all and asked for nothing in return. I lived a good sheltered life, I didn’t have to try hard, what I can offer was clearly enough. Again, no one’s to blame, I am grateful to her but because of it my priorities are different. My one true dream was to be happy, a genuine happiness that no money or achievement can give. I just want to be able to smile every day, talk to people, have a food and drinks, and see the sunset. To have friends to be with, have good laughs, and sometimes cry and fight. The desire to be rich is just minor priority for me. To be successful is at the same category.

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People say, I am not trying hard enough because everyone needs to go the extra mile and not just settle for what you can offer, but I see it as this: If I was in the position I ought to be, shouldn’t giving my 110% or more not be so difficult? That I wouldn’t feel unhappy or stressed whenever I get to work hard or strive.  Should reaching the goal come naturally and not feel like a maze without an exit? I think it should feel like a battle, although unevenly matched, still the eagerness to win shall suffice. I need to find the place that will let me be that person. I have many good qualities and skills but I need to be in a place where I am wanted and needed and will grow and not be imprisoned and constantly be shoved
traditions and bull shit crap down my throat.

I am this person, I wasn’t trained to be best. I wasn’t taught to push myself to be somebody I am not. I did what I want to do, I was good at those things because I think I was at the right place at the right time. Now all is different, my place in this world had changed. I should have said or done something before letting myself fall down the rabbit hole, but I was young, making decisions wasn’t my strong suit.  I get that there people who’ll strongly disagree, there are some who strive hard and had gotten where they wanted to. There are some, who had learned to love what they do, I don’t know why I wasn’t gifted with t
hat ability.

Now it is time to change the course of my own destiny, to not regret and try to be happy most of the days of my life. Try to find my place in the world, where I can make even a slight difference. To try to learn till I can’t anymore, to see the world while I can and to feel and interact.  To try and reach for the dreams I have and will have, to love and to live in a way that I think I ought to and to become somebody that the people I love will be grateful to have known. I may not become rich or famous, but my life will still be well lived. That is my dream and that is my goal. A new chapter has begun and I am happy that I took this different turn. I am unsure, but I know I am not lost. Uncertainty make this life a tad more exciting but I am ready and daring enough to give this new endeavor a go.

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