12 times of heartbreak

12 times of heartbreak

broken glasses, nightmares and whores
never ending sexless nights,
a headless eros on the floor.
dummies with false socialites
drinking beer bong with holes.
going through bad hair days and 10 broken nails
just before you senior promenade.
Feeling constipated as if you want to just die after
getting a venomous snake bite on a happy picnic brunch
Chivalry joust, unfortunate to get the lance through your heart
ending not winning the girl and also her heart.
Romeo and Juliet’s untimely death due to a friars stupidity
and having to kill yourself with a knife and feel the pain continuously
I am sorry to say that this is you to me
the sad moments and bad memories
you are my darkest nights and stormy days
you are the accident that let me live 
only to make me live my life paralyzed and worthless
you to me is hell on earth
I am sorry but you are my downfall, my abyss.
but still i can’t help myself for again I’m falling…


Tootai Buzeta




she writes on hardwood floors and stone painted walls
thinking someone  would care to see
the anecdotes of her life and the words of a heel
she took pictures of dark alleys and moonlit roads
hoping people would take time look
the way she sees the world, a bottomless pit of gloom
she recited lines from ancient books and soulful poems
making everyone even for second try to listen
telling how she comprehends the works of the unread
she cleared out her throat and sang the blues
startling some to stop and be unmoved
singing out her heart filled with dander and woes
she tapped me on the shoulder and smiled as i look back
giving me the impression she’s not well but indeed not mad
taking my hand to hold and keep, making me realize that’s all she needs
Tootai Buzeta

Silent Honesty

silent honesty

the bitter sweet truth about me and you..
is nothing more than feelings out too soon..
no challenging phase,
no wicked passion,
I didn’t realized til’ now
that what you are is just a figure of my imagination..
I made clashing tunes and silly rhymes
Only to know now that i’m to give up,
i’ll let it subside..
And the memories in time shall drown
but will not end..
It shall not be revived,
but also never to rest..
for the depth can hide the past for sure..
but never the pain..
never the loss the heart shall endure..
Tootai Buzeta

To all the loves that bring us to life…

After the watching the last installment of Harry Potter I went out with a friend and a new acquaintance for coffee and early morning breakfast. Having to meet someone for the first time and just listen to their stories is just one amazing thing. You learn a lot, you see things in a new perspective and somehow fill yourself up with new ideas, having said that, one can guess that it was a night of good talk. Although there were silences still all in all it was a good night or early morning. During our conversation, I told them I was a sucker for drama flicks, I cry over them for a period of time. I end up feeling attached to the characters I watch and empathize with their heartbreaks and pain. They suggested films that I should watch, some with the same theme, some just different. I listed those titles down and as of the moment I am currently making time to watch.


One of the films suggested by my friend was “The Love of Siam”, in my head I was thinking it was an epic film, having “Anna and the King” movie in mind I thought I’d be seeing topless men wearing bloomer like pants or something of the likes. To my surprise there were no topless men in the film or any cute guys over the age of 25. Although the title really made a hint, it was a love story, a love story like no other. I have seen many and heard so many love stories before, some were great, some not so. This story is one of the greats.


 A great love story does not only mean a guy and a girl conquering whatever trials their love goes through and triumphantly overcomes it. All of us know that love is way bigger than that and this movie shows how big love can be. Surprisingly, one has to look and see beyond what the character is showing in order to see the true essence of the film, how they depict love in many ways. From the story of the lead characters to each supporting character’s story, all of it was essential, that is why it was great. Many faces of love was seen, some uplifting, some destructive, some make us happy, and some makes us tear up. In the film one can see the love of  family, the love of friends, the unrequited love, selfish love, unconditional love, loving beyond what our eyes can see and just plain loving because we can and because it is felt.

Just before the credits roll a dedication was on screen, “To all the loves that bring us to life”The words “bring us to life” struck me. It was true. No matter what kind of love we feel, still love can make or break us. Love can bring the worst and the best in us. Love can make us shine or it can darken our souls. It makes us live. It brings us to life. I have always associated life with emotions, the feelings we have in whatever we do. Having a good life for me means having my heart feel all there is to feel. Pain, hurt, happiness, butterflies in my stomach, contentment and whatever else is there.  One must love in order to live, and my heart says it does everyday, knowing this, I know I have lived.


So to all the loves of my life, many thanks.  


I heard this poem first when I watched Four Weddings and a Funeral, when I heard it was so right. This is how it feels like when your loved ones die. It will feel like hell but in time, eventually, it all turns out well.

This poem is for my father, I would’ve recited this on your wake if I had known W.H. Auden when I was 4 or if I could read well then.


Funeral Blues

W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


This was one night I will never forget. Just the other day I had a conversation with my friend Jeremy, about the current apple of my eye. I was once again losing it. Holding back tears and despair about why I always end up having unrequited feelings. Why doesn’t he want me and all those depressing ideas. Of course as always I tried to uplift myself, anyway, the conversation went like this…




 Me: Siguro kapag pumayat na ako magugstuhan na nya ako…

Jeremy: Kapag pumayat ka na ba, are you sure sya parin ang gusto mo?

I was stunned at first but answered,
 Me: Malamang…Hindi.

So there it is, the truth comes out. Maybe the reality is I am stuck up on having feelings for the guy because of the idea of liking someone or maybe if there are others that would like me I wouldn’t hold on to these feelings much.  I am surprised at myself for having thought of changing my mind in the end, it only goes to show that nothing is permanent in life. All that we feel now can easily be replaced and all that we know can be forgotten. Ever changing, that’s what we are. I don’t see any shame in that. It’s real and it’s human. Even if I do end up with someone and love him till my last breath, I know each day I will spend with him will be different and my feelings for each day different as well. I once heard that nothing is constant except change. It’s true but even if I already know that, my present is the most important. What I do and feel each day is the one I have to cherish and think about most. If I am happy loving just because I can then, I shall do that till the day ends. If am happy doing the thing I love, I shall do so till time I have to rest and sleep. If feel more fulfilled doing things for the others, than I shall. So I can say the day was well spent and if tomorrow I failed to wake up, I’ll know my last day was spent with happiness, without regrets, without sadness and all filled with things that makes one want to continue on living.